What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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