you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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