I smell stomach acid.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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