Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
