i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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