Screwed.edu
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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