My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
