grandma shit on top of the toilet
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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