Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
