So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
