Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
