Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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