mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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