my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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