Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
