Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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