i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
