My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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