Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
this boner is exhausting
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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