oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
