worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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