Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
