1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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