my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
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I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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