I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
