my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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