so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
