I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
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As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
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When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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