If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar