So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?