we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
