my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
