its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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