we're chasing vodka with high fives
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
