I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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