and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
