Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
