don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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