I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
