Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
