well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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