a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
