pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
