did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
