dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
