FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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