She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
