She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
