I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
