I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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