I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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