She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
