I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
