I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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